Communication in the couple: how to be assertive.
Assertive communication is a way of expressing our inner world (thoughts, feelings, desires and needs) in a direct and honest way, while being empathetic and respectful of others.
"This relationship is important to me, so I want to be honest. I feel comfortable with you to express what's going on with me, show my vulnerabilities...".
Assertive communication drives an effective and constructive way of interacting with our partner as it allows us to show our inner world, filtering and choosing first the optimal words to express it. This means we share our feelings while being emotionally responsible for how our words impact the other.
Furthermore, being open and having deep conversations with our partner increases intimacy within the couple, enhancing bonding and mutual trust.
To have effective communication, whether to express disagreement, talk about our feeling or our needs:
Listen: listen attentively to the other, without attending to the internal dialogue (what to respond, "I don't agree", "he/she doesn't understand me", "I'm going to be exposed", etc.). Be open to the other person's point of view and validate his or her position. Validating is not agreeing, but accepting.
Adopt their frame of reference: what kind of person am I communicating with? According to their profile: how do they like to be spoken to?; Can they fulfil these requests?; Am I demanding this from the correct person?; How can I help?; Am I using the right words for them to understand me.
Express: honesty and respect. “From my point of view, in my judgement, etc”. Speak based on:
Facts: "In these last three months you have been arriving one hour late" and not judgments (you are unpunctual).
From my feelings (no one can argue with what you feel). “This situation makes me feel "...", I need "...". Use the first personal pronoun (I, me).
Check if the other understood or is interpreting something else: “what did you understand from what I told you? Did I explain myself?.
Propose: alternatives of solution. What other way can you find? “I propose (…) so that, we both could be better...”; “From my place, I am disposed to change/do (…)” ”What can we do together?”; “Look...this doesn't make me feel good. I know that’s not your intention/desire. That is why I feel safe expressing this to you”; “What other solution can we build together?”; “How can I help with this?”.
