Effective ways to say “no” without feeling guilty
These ways allows you to communicate disagreement or denial, being:
√ Empathic: responsible with your words and how you communicate it to the other.
√ Assertive: expressing what you think honestly, openly, directly and appropriate to the situation.
√ Self-respectful: with your desires, capabilities (and limitations), times and needs.
🟢 Here you have some options:
1. Offer an alternative source of solution
“I'm sorry but I can't do it this time / I can’t help you, but…
Maybe this (information, a contact, an address, etc.) might be helpful to you”.
I can offer you (…); I can assist on (…)”. Use this statement if you really can compromise yourself with your offer. Otherwise, use the first.
2. Leave an option open
For another time if you are interested in the suggestion but are not in the mood at that time.
“I can't come this time. But, let's keep in touch to arrange another outing soon”. Next time, take the initiative.
3. Thank for the offer, give a compliment and decline the invitation.
“Thank you! Sounds very interesting but I don't think it's my thing. Next time, I'm absolutely in”.
4. Offer an explanation
When you think that saying yes will prejudice you (performance, integrity, health, desires), thank them first and then briefly communicate the reasons why you can't respond to the request.
“I appreciate the confidence put in me, but I cannot handle this project on my own. Can we think in other options?”
“I cannot keep with the deadline and maintain adequate performance. I need 2 weeks to ensure a good quality of my work”.
“I would like to come to your party, but unfortunately I have to get up early tomorrow morning”.
Sounds great! But I have a very hard day's work tomorrow and I don't think I'll have the energy to even take a shower!”.
5. Stand firm
When the other person does not respond assertively or tries to pressure you to accept their request, hold your “no”. Show understanding and repeat your refusal. Go into a brief silence if the insistence continues, and stand by your refusal.
"I understand your situation but I cannot respond to your request".
“I see. However I am afraid I can’t do (…) without prejudge you or myself. ”
You also can add the "alternative solution": “Maybe this (resource) will be helpful"; "When I am in similar situations, I find helpful (…)".
6. Pass the buck
If the other person insists on their request, negotiate your terms by putting yourself first. Pass the buck: rephrase the request in the form of a question including your conditions.
Let's take the example of deadlines for several tasks at once. "I know they are all important so I need 2 weeks instead of one to guarantee a good result. Which one do I prioritize in time and quality?”
Practice these responses with yourself at home or by role-playing with your therapist. Act the two positions and different answers. Rehearsals help you anticipate the other party's possible responses (depending on their personalities) and prepare you to deal with different scenarios by preventing you from being caught by surprise and not respecting your boundaries.
🌱These statements are very effective and useful tools, but if you feel you are struggling to set boundaries, therapeutic guidance could enhance your results 🌱
